Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Again - Sooooooo Aquamusing

There are these awesome moments that make you realize just how extraordinary a prodigy from the seas would be - moments such as these:

After all the facts of what a true heir of Atlantis could be - we still get the occasional cutesy jokes from people such as the retards hiding behind a Robot Chicken, for instance: a shame to see so much technical capacity go to waste with such poor creative imaginings... Take a look at AQ's alleged very first sidekick: Woo-Woo, The Fish with legs...

Then comes the cute idea of having an ASK AQUAMAN column or rather segment on the Late Late Show with that Craig guy who got the gig as a replacement for the other Craig and because he couldn't get any other gig of his own as a third or fourth fiddle in any given sitcom... Cute idea still; as cute as the fishie that gives AQ his aquamail here being thanked by AQ for delivering it with a "Thanks Bob"... Alas, Craig's crew gets it all wrong very quickly when they presuppose that AQ is bent on destroying the surface world and drowining all the stinking surface-dwellers - which would be an effective as well as proactive way to deal with the pollution problem but the only one who may have genocidal tendencies of the kind is Namor (the pale imitation of Captain Nemo; remember him?) and speaking of which...

Cuter of all - the *turn the super-heroes into wrestlers* idea. Did they say Woo-Woo, earlier? Woo! I always likened AQ to being the Ric Flair of comic-books (or vice-versa) and so now it comes full circle as both AQ and his rival from the competition sign up with the wretched WWE of all things; TNA being too much to handle for royal blowhards, I suppose... Now, Namor I could see going for such employment easily - he is useless in the super-heroes sagas and completely devoid of any interesting trait, no matter what anyone could attempt to do with him. In the WWE, he would simply be just another brute of service, like a Batista or a Blueprint; not an ounce of charisma but just raw talent, that is all. AQ in a ring is like having royalty meddling with the peasants - he lowers himself so very much in doing so; but then so did Ric Flair for all these years too, as the aristocrat who would rumble with the gangstas and worse... But that is another story.

Indeed, an Aquaman-Namor match would be like a Flair-Batista match; something in which the former has nothing to prove and the latter has all to gain, but for a fleeting moment only. For even if the brute gains the upper hand for a three-second pinfall, what does it really prove? Who has had the far better career; who has accomplished the most for decades and who has, in fact, a ton of potential when the other has next-to-nothing; who is the truly better man; who indeed is more fit to reign as a king? Watch the match, sure - and marvel at the fact that AQUAMAN is the one who power bombs Namor, not the other way around. Never lose sight, also, that AQ is the one with direct Atlantean lineage; whereas the other guy is a totally illegitimate mutant bastard born from a blue-skinned other-dimensional nymph who simply rents property on what remains of Atlantis on her turf - but she and her ancestors were never the genuine article... (Now, some will come to say that AQ was, originally, a man who came to be able to breathe underwater through scientific manipulation originally - as he was devised, originally, in the classic hero mold of the forties, a mere adventurer molded by an often far-fetched futuristic science, really, in order to be able to deal with the unknown, the mysterious and the fantastic. And so, to those I say: as Marvel has said often itself, nothing you believed to be true was true! Suspension of disbelief is taxed to the limits anyhow each time these (and, most specifically, Marvel's own) characters are concerned, so is it such a burden, really, to conceive that the 1941 concept was just some falsification leaked to the press sort of thing? And, later on, the truth came out - just as it always does, especially in the realm of far-out fiction...!  Characters EVOLVE, too: some concepts simply do not cut it anymore without a certain degree of rejuvenation. If one buys into impossible recuperative abilities of a character, why buy into its adaptability to remain in sync with the times, also? But we are digressing right now - yet again. Onwards to the (fixed) match... (Aren't they all!)

As a veteran of the NWA revealed, lo, long time ago before Ric Flair retired for the first of a series of times, "before they hit the ring, we know who's gonna win, who's gonna lose and in what fashion!" And so this "decision" should come as no surprise, seeing as BOTH (in fact) combatants were limited in what they could use against their opponent in there - otherwise, AQ would have squashed Namor again, sandwiching him between two Great White Whales, this time! For you've got to realize that that is what "real life conditions" would have been for these two belligerents, people! Wrestling should never be the sole means to settle any dispute, grudge or longtime point of contingency anyway - let alone any rank in society. Ric Flair himself never settled anything at all in his 35 years of in-ring wars! He lost a bunch of them and won many titles too; but nothing was ever definitive. And never forget, either, that AQUAMAN did not get a mere three-count pinfall victory on Namor back in the early 21st Century - it was a twenty-count pinfall victory at the very least, as both sea dudes used all of their super-powers that they are supposed to have; powers that are conspicuously absent from this bout here...! Namor has his ridiculous ankle wings clipped - while Aquaman has no marine life to command, as he did when he ordered a collaborative killer whale to crush Namor for his 2001 victory! No such thing possible in a WWE wrestling circus ring, of course - but then, the super-strength levels are also null and void in that case and what should decide the battle would then be pure fighting skills - and who has better skills between a ruffian like Namor and an athlete like AQ? Use logic now... The dudes behind this sure did not! Instead, they went, ironically enough, with the perception of who is super-stronger: and, again, in the wrestling world, it should be a level-playing field! (Quote The Russo: no encore!) Their perception is flawed due to years of gross exaggerations from Marvel: but if one looks at the original stats, Aquaman drawn by Paul Norris in the forties was beefier than Namor - who looked palely-sick and scrawny at best, in sheer comparison - and AQ was bulletproof, too! Heck, he wore damn-near chain-mail armor; why wouldn't he be bulletproof?!? It's completely unnecessary in a wrestling ring though, of course... Aquaman was on par with the classic heroes of all times: Flash Gordon, Tarzan, John Carter, Buck Rogers, Jungle Jim and on, and on...!  Namor always looked like the weakling cousin of the Impossible Man. Or The Fin! Regular collectors and other lecteurs de bandes-dessinées would also remember a certain Human Sub throwaway character perhaps...?

The way that particular waste of time should have ended...
Picture a can of inedible sardines
- unless you're a regular Lecter...

Note, though, speaking of super-strength and all, that, strength-wise, AQ has recently been allowed to knock around Captain Marvel himself (yes - Shazam! Gone bad, but still) and he even knocked around Superman himself, too. Namor barely stood his ground against heavyweights like Thor and Hulk, and that was years ago...  Both faced off evenly with Iron Man in what would be ''sacrilegiously'' (ha) called "canon" - oddly enough - but it is not at all the same story according to weird websites such as the comicsvine...! There, AQ fares much better against IM than Namor ever does - but head-to-head, AQ cannot match pointy-ears here?! Cherchez l'erreur... Tis typical comics-dweeb thinking, I say!

Aquaman's clone, the Squadron Supreme's own Amphibian (or Amphibion) was always referred to as "the third most powerful being on Earth" behind Hyperion (a Superman clone) and Power Princess (a Wonder Woman clone). Shouldn't Aquaman be at least as powerful as his clone? Indeed. Recently, he also defeated Wonder Woman in hand-to-hand combat - and she is a far more skilled fighter than Namor has ever been.

In closing...



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