Sunday, March 17, 2013

Don't Gloat About Wrestling Sharks...! (Unless You're A Dolphin)

It might come back and bite you.
Hard. And where it hurts, too... (You may imagine what you will about that last, er, bit there!)

AP

There's this real sea hero here who saved some kids from meeting with the same fate a poor joe recently met with, when the tiger shark he hooked up with proved to be too tough for him to wrestle into submission... see?  The eventual dinner was a spearfisherman in Jamaica, nothing heroic one bit; just someone who did this in order to survive and, ironically, his lifetime workplace proved to be the death of him when one of the creatures from the waters where he'd victimized so many turned around and gave him the exact same treatment - only more painful, surely. The sea hero was on the beach in Australia when he was supposed to be on sick leave.  When the British charity that he toiled for saw the video of his bravery, they weren't impressed with the heroic feat as much as they were shocked by his lying and being well enough to wrestle sharks away from their intended prey but not in enough of a good disposition to come to work!  They fired the guy.  That's right: out with the heroes already!  The guy, perhaps another British eccentric like those we used to see all the time on the real Avengers (though 62 years of age: let's just say he's no Aquaman!  But, hey, Aquaman is actually older than that, so...!) did pretend to have a nice unauthorized day off (more like a week off, of course, if he travelled so far for it - and probably a month off!) which he intended to spend on the beach, with his still-more-than-fit-for-a-bikini 56 year-old wifey (she's named Wendy - imagine! Imagine a mature redhead on the beach - that's what you should imagine: that and nothing more, you fool! Here's something to help now - and remember this is not an official Aquaficionada entry here, on aqua musings! Just b-logging...) 

O-kaaaaaaay... 
Maybe that is not exactly 
what a bikini is supposed to be 
- nor is this model really 
anything close to 56...! 
Call this one Foxy Roxy...?
Model, Agency and Photog UNKNOWN. 
Send us the info if you wanna see it here: 
for proper credits' sake and all...

Imagine this now: the sea hero's name not only includes ''sea'' in it - but his first name is also that of  Aquaman's original artist!  Remember him - Paul Norris?  We mentioned him here a few times - most recently when he passed away - duh?   Never mind...  Hence, this hero's name is Paul.  Paul Marshallsea. That's right: Marshallsea! You couldn't make it up any better than this, I think!  Problems with sharks, folks?  The Sea Hero will marshall the sea for you!  Here he is in *almost* all of his glory: 

Reuters... I guess?!? 

He's wrestling that Finny Fiend down into submission all right: for such became his sub-mission, I guess!  At 62 years of age and allegedly on sick leave, he had no choice but to leave sick bay and jump into the fray because there were no other sea heroes available to do so that day! (The media has dubbed him a great many ways for this, of course: one of the names found for him was Hero Grandpa - ugh.)  Sinbad was off cruising.  Odysseus was lost at sea - again.  His double, Ulysses, too.  Captain Nemo wouldn't bother with this. Nay-Moor was lazing around again, Popeye was too weak due to spinach-deprivation (the price went up for that, too, y'know!  And ol' Pop's contract hasn't been renewed since... what is it... 1959 maybe?  He just can't afford it - hence he has no strength for this sort of beaching!) and Aquaman - well, ol' AQ (or A.C. - your preference) would finally rather squeeze the life out of Bats than to interrupt a sea denizen's dinner for the sake of a bunch of ungrateful, sickening seasick (not to mention sea polluting - the dirty little brats!) surface-dwelling rascals without-a-clue!  Swimming during shark swim hours - idiots!  You got the fright of your little lives for it!  That'll put the fear of the Seven Seas in you... one hopes! But we're digressing once more, here, for the billionth time, most probably, on... aqua musings! How aquamusing - indeed.

Paul Norris wouldn't have done that. Paul of Tarse would have turned the other cheek - whichever cheek that may be that the shark was targeting, too!  But Paul Marshallsea here commandeered the entire situation and pummelled the poor hungry sea creature into retreat (if not onto the plate of some chef that specializes in such a dish as ''shark à la sauce tartare'' or some darn thing like that...!) - and then Paul Marshallsea succumbed to the oldest deadly sin, that of vanity, and flaunted his act when he allowed for the video footage of his bravery to go viral all over media, most particularly on London's Telegraph which took it as a patriotic duty to show their pride in this case of a Briton who can not just swim - he can wrestle as he swims, too! Heck, even the Australian coast guard was impressed, although their spokesmerman was cautious in advising not to ''manhandle sharks'' like that - still they went on record stating that he had done ''a good job''!  One can hazard a guess that he might have been fishing for a medal or something of the sort there, as well...?  Does the Queen go so far as knighting beachcombers foolhardy enough to tackle selachii by the tail and pray not to be bitten in the process?  And should any employer be flexible enough to allow his personnel to take impromptu time off and just head south, in the hopes of having an opportunity to play hero on the sandy beaches, under a bright and tanning sun, on top of the spotlights...? 

We guess not! And Paul and Wendy certainly van find it ''disgusting'' to be unceremoniously sacked once the catfish was out of the fish netting here (that's right: it wasn't just him that worked for that conveniently unidentified British charity that sacks without remorse or second thought: both of them worked for it for the last ten years! And since she clearly was his accomplice in the getting away part: not so much in the baiting the sharks part... That the kids must have done all by themselves: although, if I was the shark, only a voluptuous OWOMLT (Older Woman One Might Like to Touch!) could ever possibly tempt my fin to swim any closer to the shore there...!  But that's just me - or a member of the order of the selachii moulded after me!  Let's just... swim away from that now!  

The morale here is - never gloat about such a thing as wrestling with sharks because it's the unnatural thing to do!  If you want to wrestle someone, go apply some submission, crippling holds on all the creeps who mercilessly pollute the seas, for instance! 
Besides, sharks deserve snacks, too! 

The only creature that has any business clashing with sharks is the dolphin - especially this kind of dolphin right here: the highly-trained military dolphin of the future!  Ukraine apparently is the country that has implemented this great idea more than any other country, somehow (I would have hoped others would have done this, places that are closer to nice crystalline waters such as the Caribbean, Mediterranean, Atlantic, Pacific or the Dead Sea... okay, make it the Red one! But, again, that's just moi. Let's sail onwards!)  

Recently enough, just as Paul was doing bodyslams in the shallow waters down under with poor innocent sharkeys, news leaked out about a possible breakout from the once-upon-a-blue-sea top secret Ukrainian military program that saw dolphins get the full training they needed in order to become top-notch killing machines!  Three of those dolphins were believed to have escaped and swimming about freely, probably itching for a kill, in the Black Sea!  These were identified as trigger-happy dolphins: not your friendly neighbourhood Flipper now!  Yahoo's Lindsay Jolivet sounded the alarm with joy, apparently led in error by Russian news agency RIA Novosti - and her article was still online just as other, far-more reliable sources, denied any such thing! Ah, Yahoo - always letting the world down, aren't you?  You gave us all, dolphin and sea-lovers alike, another false joy and false hope: hope that, with this deadly aquatic trio on the loose (hey - that sounds so familiar now!  Where have we heard about just such a trio before... hmm?  Hmm?  Hmmmm? Never mind - I'm not linking a clue for anyone not in the know - not this time, pals!  Keep guessing!) there could have been tons of ships sunk, loose lips made fat after a well-deserved waterlogged beating, sea polluters scared out of their little minds all over the Black Sea...!  But no - none of that will happen because Yahoo was wrong, once again, and more accurate news sources reported, a mere 24 hours later, that the dolphins had not in fact swum away from their military trainers at military base Sevastopol... Alas.  Personally, one fears that the poor dolphins were met with stiff reprimands for even pointing their adorable noses towards the open sea: and if these bastards at Sevastopol did anything to those dolphins, they deserve to be court-martialed to oblivion right now

AP too - surely?

Say it isn't so, Yahoo - say it, say it!!! Tell us that the dolphins did in fact skirt away from their strict navy trainers to find love, happiness, mates aplenty, sire an entire army of killer dolphins that will, soon, very soon, swarm the seas and mete out implacable justice on the high seas upon all the miserable surface-dwelling bastards that profit of them! 

But no - all that Yahoo had to offer afterwards was this so-called related news: Zorro the piglet loves to surf

Sheesh - we are so glad for ''Zorro'' there... Hope he finds it in his piglet heart to bring Babe along too, at least one time, this summer...?  Never mind that... 

Back to the dolphins already: 

Onward, Dolphin Soldiers! 
Break free of thy military bondage!
Bring Tidal Waves of Death and Destruction 
to all those who would cause harm to the seas
and all of its denizens! 
:-) 


No comment from any shark about this entire dolphin business: Alpha and Darwin were strangely mum about it, too.  How suspicious...

+++ 

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