aqua musings: May 2015

The films will be coming out in the same month of the same year: the improbable battle that I had personally called for, way back then, when there were but rumors of an all-too improbable crossover itself - that being the JLA-Avengers team-up that finally took place only decades later!

Back in the 1980s, when Roy Thomas and George Perez were at their best and in their prime, they had worked on this wet dream of many a fanboy - well, worked a little bit on it, anyway! Alas, even in their prime and at their very best, these two giants of the much-maligned industry of ''comic-bookies'' proved to have narrow a clue when it came to make a truly regal match-up: a king versus a king, as it should be! And we are talking about the King of the Seven Seas, of course, for the JLA side of things. On the Avengers, they only had one such type: and that would be the King of the Wakandas, Black Panther! That seemed to me as an obvious and given thing and certainly what two of my favorites in the field would most certainly do, without a doubt...! But, boy-o-buoy, was I wrong about that! It didn't even occur to those two that this not only should be but had to be the match-up - on an undercard, granted, but still... No, instead they had one of the oddest hodge-podge mismatch of characters ever planned - one that made this erstwhile fanboy really glad it NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY, IN THE END! For it was going to be Aquaman, Elongated Man and Black Canary versus the Beast and THE FREAKIN' WASP! Good Gosh: somebody actually thought they had to be THREE Justice Leaguers to deal with those two third-rate Avengers that make Dr. Keel and Tara King look like lethal super-agents of the most efficient kind...?!? One single canary cry does the Wasp in - and Ralph Dibny could toy with Hank McCoy all day if he wanted to; picture a giant, stretchable cat playing with a chubby blue mouse, if you will for just a second! Hence, that left AQUAMAN, the underrated KING of the SEVEN SEAS, with nothing much to do there - and no opponent against which to test his true mettle either! Black Panther aka T'Challa was actually AWOL and truly shining through by his sheer absence, if I may once again adapt an expression I affectionate and introduce it into the execrable English language here, as a part of my blogging - okay, the language does not always deserve to be called execrable, but it is sometimes, yes! Especially when pedantic, uncultured fools with zero openness towards the rest of the world show up: and they want to be Trekkies who welcome with open arms all sorts of weird-looking aliens! HA! Not a chance, folks: you can't even accept an exotic dialect onto the blogosphere, much less another species into your lives now or ever in the far-flung future! But that's another story...!

Let's veer back towards the sad subject at hand, rather - here is the evidence of that saddest of pairings that George, with Roy's blessing, had in mind back in the first half of the eerie eighties:

See that? Heck - can you BELIEVE that?

Where BP T'Challa should be standing,

all we see is the silly Captain's shield!

No one is lining up against

the Sea King - and Elongated Man

is peeking his nose through again

-and ahead of his superiors-

to meet the ''challenge''

of a furball and an insect!

Insulting, all and all,

for both Dinah Lance and Arthur Curry

- as well as the AWOL Panther!

As if this isn't bad enough by itself -and as unpublished folly- George brought it back and drew it again, when the team-up finally did occur: as some bad dream that may have actually happened, somehow, somewhere, somewhen...?!? Look at this - the exact same match-ups...

Some people never learn -

or never give up!

George Perez did make amends for this gross oversight though - one has to give credit when it must be given and, besides, it is George. Roy Thomas wasn't involved anymore (Kurt Busiek was handling the writing chores, as we recall - of course) but George went out of his way to put together a new version of an old pin-up he had drawn when he briefly handled the JLA monthly title - and the result not only brought the Panther into the picture but finally matched him up with the Sea King as he should have been - finally! While the Beast got... Snapper Carr and Elongated Man - again. Wasp (and hubby Yellowjacket) appeared to be matchless - as superfluous, too! (The Atom will take care of both!) While Black Canary and Black Widow were lined up for a short dance - poor Russian spy! It all made much more sense...

Bottom corners for the two kings -

makes a hell of a lot of sense, eh?

Royalty has no respect

in these four-color crappy things...!

Bah!

Too little and far too late, as we well know too: for, in the actual team-up, Aquaman would be tagged (and nearly it - repeatedly hit, anyways!) with She-Hulk, of all people! She-Hulk?!? What the hell does she have in common with the Sea King, eh? She-Hulk, Sea King - yeah, I guess if you say it fast enough and repeatedly a few times, it starts sounding alike - almost! But that is not it - anyway I hope it is not, for Busiek's sake! What Kurt the scribe was thinking, most probably, was a little wink-wink kind of thing going the way of his buddies on the ''independent scene'' of comic-bookies - for they have those, too! There are the big two publishers - DC and Marvel - and then there are all the others out there, trying to survive! From that ever-changing group, one stood out for a short time, in the eighties especially (ironically enough, here) but in the nineties too: Comico! And what did those Comico guys have as their flagship title? Something called the ELEMENTALS - which featured a green-skinned waterlogged female who looked much like She-Hulk - minus the bulk and savagery, mind you! Fathom was her name: and so, here is the true green-skinned woman Aquaman has something in common with! Since this Fathom (not to be confused with the late, great Michael Turner character by the same name) could not make it for this long-awaited cross-company crossover (as redundant as it sounds: it is what it was!) She-Hulk sort of subbed for her...! How nice of ya, Shulkie! The Fathom of Comico lore would have been much better though...

Here she is - look at her!

Behold what a true aquaficionada

is supposed to look like!

Even though she's green with envy...

Actually, Shulkie is the one who is

truly green with envy!

Neither one will have their own movie though!

But that's another story...

But let's get right back to the thick of things here, once again: there are movies coming out and they are coming out on the exact same month, of the same year. They will be the summer offerings following the usual month (insert bad joke here) for yet another Avengers movie - May 2018. You've guessed it: we are talking about the Aquaman movie and the Black Panther movie! The only thing standing between them, as one glances at this latest projection of these releases' timetable, is some ''unknown X-Men movie'' - which is not a factor, when those ''CCUs'' are concerned... So yes, finally, the two kings will more than match-up: and the battle platform will be the one we least expected it to be, all these years! If, on the comic-bookie page, Aquaman would have mopped the floor with B.P. (anyone who doubts that is a clueless fool; haven't you seen AQ overpower Batman time and time again, be it in his ''pre-crisis'' form, ''post-crisis'' or ''new 52'' now...?!? Aquaman always owned Batman! Hence he owns a vague rip-off such as Black Panther, too - case closed!) but could this be a closer contest on the once-silver screen? And will anybody care, at that point? Because 2018 will be packed with these films and, by then, we may have reached oversaturation with this fluff! And this is when six of them - count'em; six of them! - will be churned out by those crazed Hollywood boogers! Only next year has more of those things popping out - although three of them can be viewed as marginal at best (Deadpool, Gambit and that odd quack there; no, nobody really wants to see that one!)

In 2018, after the Flash fizzles early in the year and the Avengers try and do their thing again, the summer will rest squarely upon the Sea King's and the Wakandan Monarch's shoulders - and, let's face it, the actor chosen to portray AQ inspires a hell of a lot more confidence than the other guy they'll try and make you believe is a ''marvel''...! After that, late in the year, an uncast as of yet female Captain Marvel will try to emulate the success (or lack thereof) of the soon-to-premiere TV Supergirl - wanna bet both of them will fare just as well as Helen Slater did in 1984... hmm? Now Power Girl, on the other hand... (Okay - let's not go there!)

And all this is going on amidst much typical Tinseltown bogus hoopla over whether the ''DCCU'' is being handled all wrong, with a true vision or even a plan, while the ''MCCU'' has had one -plan, that is- since its very inception (no pun intended; nor Nolanism) - rrrrright!

Now that we're on this subject, though, let's establish one thing here once and for all: Jason Momoa is not as blond as Josh Halloway (the actor once suspected to be getting the part on BvS...) or Alexander Skarsgård (my personal choice for the role... based on his Aegir!) or Pettifyr or Chris Evans - or even the late Paul Walker, for that matter. But he is clearly the best choice to carry this movie onto uncertain box-office waters...! He is the best pick out of all the possible candidates to set sail with in this endeavor! (Do I need to use another seafaring metaphor here, to make this point any clearer?!?) And judging by the reaction his first (tweeted) appearance in the role has generated (thanks to pro-active director Zack Snyder!) he will literally make a killing as... Orin The Impaler or something? Some likened it to a Rob Zombie of the Sea (or an underwater Conan; it doesn't help much that Momoa was Conan in a 2011 remake fandom forgot!) and others invoked the competitor prince wannabe - but let's face it: this is the 1990s Aquaman come to life at long last! As long as he has blond highlights in his hair, at the very least...!

And, once again, AQ bears

an uncanny resemblance with...

as I always say on here...

no, not Ric Flair!

Not Aegir, Poseidon or Neptune!

JESUS!

He looks like Jesus Christ!

Aqua-healing hand or not...

And you know it:

there is some debate whether

Jesus has brown hair

or really blond hair, too...!

But where is this all starting for the Sea King, again? In ''BvS'' that's right; Batman v Superman - the so-called ''Dawn of Justice'' (because you've got to start somewhere - right?) And this is where this gets even more aquamusing: because the dastardly competitor (Marvel, in this case) got its marbles all mixed up (that's when they brainstorm and come up with their fabled and much-lauded plans, you see?) and they felt they simply had to try and trump DC's own plans here... And this is where anyone who doubts Black Panther equates Batman in the Marvel universe (or so hopes Disney!) will finally see the truth about this! For Marvel decided to stage -albeit in a pathetic little comic-booky virtually no one read, really- their very own version of ''BvS'' - and it could still be abbreviated ''BvS'' on top of that - wow! For it involved the two rip-offs known as Black Panther... and Sub-Mariner! And for anyone doubting -also- that DC would be so foolish as to allow Superman to fall before a mere batty guy in a Fledermaus costume - Marvel enlightens (or tries to) and opens your eyes about that, staging such a silly set-up so that the paltry Panther does indeed defeat and even slay (we so hope!) the insufferable sub-par anti-hero now a member of some villainous twist on the already highly suspicious Illuminati - Marvel-style! (That is after he got kicked out from all of his previous teams: Invaders, All-Winners Squad -duh: he's not a winner!- Defenders, Avengers, X-Men, and now the ''Illuminati''... Not to mention this villainous clique now, the Cabal; which says it all, if you actually read this crap, sub-text and all...) Truly, he doesn't belong anywhere, I tell you! Not even with the dirtbags! Now, you sure didn't see Aquaman getting the boot from the Others, the Justice League of America, Super Friends (!) Kenner's Super Powers, Justice League Europe, Justice League Task Force, Justice League Atlantis, Total Justice, Smallville's Junior League, Ross' Agents of the Abyss, my Aqua Force... Even the other Sea King was *in* with the Crime Syndicate! And don't you get me started on Aquaman One Million now...! So, you get the idea! AQ belongs! Death to Namor! And here it is...)

FINALLY!

Good riddance!

NOW YOU JUST STAY DEAD, SUBBY!

YOU HEAR ME?!?

This is Marvel's way to respond to not only the competition's gravitas but also the fact that the rival Atlantean is surpassing their pointy-eared guy by leaps and bounds - even going as far as stealing not only one but two actors who would have been ideal casting choices if they had been desperate or crazy enough to accept the part of a misbegotten mixed-breed mutie with ankle wings, the aforementioned pointy ears, not to mention those impossible eyebrows - yikes! Jason Momoa frowned upon both this role as the role of Drax The Destroyer in that GOTG flick - to become a king! And it was the right choice indeed! The other one fans wanted to get his career ruined by accepting the part of a sub-par freak was the Rock himself - Dwayne Johnson! Old DJ would have gone from G.I. Joe, Hercules and Furious 7 straight onto... Subby?!? Sure, deluded Marvel fanboy zombies, sure; that is exactly what he was aiming to do - if he had desired career suicide, that is! He chose wisely, instead: opting to join the DC cinematic universe next. His role is still wrapped in the utmost secrecy but most people suspect he'll become -ironically enough- a villain who bears an uncanny resemblance to the insufferable Nay-more... Black Adam. As far as revolting developments go, this might take the cake indeed: still, even Black Adam is a better character than Sub-Mariner, so it is, oddly enough, all for the best...? Or this is another take on the old ''out of the frying pan, into the fire'' sad twist! We do not care much, either way: for even if it is the latter, that is exactly what former WWE talent deserves and should have coming their way at every corner henceforth!

This... looks... just... horrible!

Next up: The Rock as Nosferatu.

But how ridiculous is this way of responding, oh-so marvelously...? By killing off one of your original guys? (Well, yeah, the original Angel did meet such an ignominious end in the pages of ''Marvels''... The original Human Torch was forced to, er, pass the torch to a new guy - and then all of his comebacks were doomed from the very start, quite understandably! And then... Who else was there, in those early Marvel days known as Timely Comics? By Jove - they had no one else! How pathetic!) And, truth be told, Marvel surely hopes that DC will be influenced by this; the Didiot, for instance, or that Dian Nelson chick will force Zack Snyder's hand to rewrite his script (what - again? He does it every other day, anyway - no biggie.) so that they'll shock the world - and have Batman kill Superman, too! With Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Cyborg, Flash, Green Lantern (not to mention Alfred Pennyworth, Lawrence Perry Not-so-White Fishburne, Robin Carrie Kelley, THAT Kevin Smith, Geoff Johns, an uncredited Matt Damon, a young impressionable Billy Batson and Ambush Bug all witnessing this traumatic -if batty- event... And Lane! Lois Lane! How could we omit her name - oh God...! What will become of her, once this occurs? Two words: Arkham bound! But that's another story, too... (Feel free to use my ideas, DC - yet again...)

I jest, of course. With all the emphasis put upon this entire ''UNITE THE SEVEN'' business (man, it's set the whole blamed geekoverse ablaze: everyone and anyone has an opinion on that and what it really means...! Sheesh!) it is truly impossible -for real, this time- that even an entity as influenceable as DC can be and has been at times throughout its history (anyone remembers the Crash Test Dummies' Superman Song - and what it triggered? Huh?) would ever be tempted by this one now... Even though ''uniting the seven'' has already become such a joke - as we can witness right here and all over the web these days - and staging a shocker might be deemed necessary... Hmm? Nah!

But speaking of uniting the seven...